When my Spouse won’t Change!

 Written by Netisha Alie-Grant 

(Author Inspirational Book Walking a Two-Way Street) 

“Prevention is better than cure.” -A statement commonly used in the medical field to encourage persons to prevent themselves from contracting a disease instead of actually being infected, since it would require a lot more effort to cure the disease.  However,  for those who have passed the “prevention” stage and are already married, thus need a cure: this is for you.

 

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So you are already married but your spouse is showing you a side of them you really need them to change. And with all your efforts to communicate that, they simply just aren’t having it.

What do you do? 

I have three suggestions for you: 

Let’s begin with the most common love scripture in the Bible after The Songs of Solomon. (Please check it out if you haven’t) 

1 Corinthians 13: verses 4 through 7 

“4 Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].”

Are any of these descriptions of love reflected in your marriage? Knowing what love is from our scriptural reference above let’s reflect on the behavior we’d like our spouse to change so badly and ask ourselves the following questions:

1. Does that behavior stop me from Loving my spouse?
2. How many times have we disregarded what God has asked us to do but He is still there being PATIENT with us? 

Understanding that people can’t be forced to change, only God and themselves can do the changing, trying to encourage them to do so would be a good place to start. 

[Disclaimer: This is not a post that condones accepting sinful behaviours in marriage.]

Then attempt these three practical responses 

1. Accept (accept them for who they are or the habit they possess) Acceptance brings you to a place of almost being unbothered and is likely to give you peace about the situation. Simply come to terms with it for what it apparently is. Which is most likely a habit or part of the person’s personality. 
2. Adapt ( if you can accept it then adapt to it) Instead of fighting this undesirable behaviour from your spouse and getting frustrated over it, decide on how you can work with it or go around it. For example, hubby leaves the toilet seat up. Don’t get angry about that, he needs it up, and you need it down. So instead of stressing over him leaving the toilet seat up, simply put it down to use it or build another one for yourself if you can afford to! Lol! Yes, I said it! Adapt: if you can’t go through it, then go around it! 
3. Appreciate (see the desirable things they do and magnify them, shifting your focus from frustration to gratitude ) Taking these three steps is not just to make things easier for your spouse but it also helps YOU! When you choose to focus and celebrate the great things in the marriage, you are likely creating a better environment to yield the compromises and changes you want. This is healthy for you, your spouse, and your marriage. 

Managing conflict in your marriage doesn’t always have to be a fight, sometimes Love, as Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 13, endures all things with patience. 

Lastly, Please be patient with that version of your person in this season. As life takes us through different seasons, it brings out different versions of us. Sometimes your spouse's behaviour could be a reaction to something they are dealing with something that they haven’t gotten brave enough to share with you.

So be that LOVE Paul describes, in 1 Corinthians, you never know, your spouse might just change for the better in the process. 

#CestBonSoundsGood 

Listen to a song called Love by Travis Greene 

Link: https://youtu.be/EzIL7rfHtPg.  

Listen to the podcast episode on this piece here: https://anchor.fm/netishaaliegrant/episodes/35-When-your-spouse-wont-change-e1fi7u0

Can I do life with you?

 Written by Netisha Alie-Grant 

(Author of Inspirational Book Walking a Two-Way Street) 

Listen to Podcast here! 

When looking for someone to marry, consider this question: “Can I do life with you?” If you do not see yourself spending a life time with this person the it is best not to waste your time believing that you can make them into the one you believe you can do life with.

Your life partner is your Teammate, and not your high school crush or butterfly garden who gives you butterflies. Although you can end up marrying your high school crush, the point is this aspect of your life is beyond your emotions and instead it involves your knowledge! 

In the beginning God created man and gave him all of Eden to dominate, but God felt that man shouldn’t be doing this great task alone so he gave him a woman. However, knowing of the great work before Adam God also ensured that He gave Adam a particular person. 

In the book of Genesis chapter 2 verse 18, the amplified version explains at least 5 reasons God gave Eve to Adam. 

  

“18 Now the Lord God said, “It is not good (beneficial) for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper [one who balances him—a counterpart who is] [a]suitable and complementary for him.”

Here lies the characteristics of Adam’s teammate:  

     1. 1. So he (Adam) wouldn’t be alone and would have a companion. a friend , and a family. 

1. 2. As a helper to assist him with the great tasks at hand which was to manage Eden, a kingdom and in our case to go through life. 

1. 3. To balance him ( ease the load off Adam a bit.) When we work together and the responsibilities are shared it makes for better progress in life. 

1. 4. Suitable  (right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation.) Like Eve, your life partner needs to be a specific person that you can work well with. For example, when one is weak the other is strong and vice versa. 

1. 5. Lastly, your partner needs to be complementary (praises, speak life…) One who encourages you and speaks like into you. Life and death is in the power of the tongue- Proverbs 18:21 using encouraging and life changing words to each other will help bring bliss and happiness to the relationship. 

All in all, a man leaves his parents to be with his wife so that they can take on life together as a team. Thus if you are on a team where the aim is to win together, just imagine what life would be like. #Cestbon? #SoundsGood! 

Why Pregnancy is for Him & Her –Married couples.

Baby Triumph's Parents

(Please feel free to click the ads in this article to help me share great content to an even wider audience)

After God created man He did two things: 1.Give man a helpmate and 2. Instructed them to “be fruitful & multiply” (Genesis 1:28)God saw that the work He had laid out for man would be achieved through a team effort. 

Though women are usually more opened to talk about their experiences in life, the man’s side of the story is just as important. Thus here’s “our” story about the journey that brought our blessing from heaven to us in the form of our amazing daughter. 

Her story: 

Truth: I was always afraid of being pregnant. The thought of wanting it to happen at the “right time”, the many ways it’d probably not be good for my figure (being a model & former beauty queen), and just how painful it looked to see other women’s stretched abdomens and swollen feet simply made it appear: PAINFUL! 

Nevertheless I always wanted the product of pregnancy, I simply wasn’t too keen on enduring almost a year of possible uncontrollable changes to my mind, body and spirit, because it takes every part of you. 

Though all women go through this life changing experience in different ways, mine convinced me that God had a purpose for it. Many saw me smiling and pretty much doing all my usual tasks but behind closed doors reality hit. 

Firstly the battle of morning sickness was terrible until one morning while I endured an episode the words “hold your head up, things are gonna get better” rang through my soul. From that day, almost 4 months in, things did get better. 

I couldn’t drink water without puking so of course I got dehydrated which led to me experiencing IV fluid in my body for the first time. 

I said “eww” to foods people tried cooking for me and hated the scents of many things. 

With every abdominal pain, toothache, headache, depression (yes I encountered that too) and never knowing what I wanted to eat, I began learning tolerance and trust in God. 

All the amazing women around me, from family to doctors didn’t prepare me for this. So here’s a list I’ve decided to share on what you may or may not experience during pregnancy based on my journey & some of the research I constantly had to do. Hopefully it helps you especially if you’re a first time mom. 

List: 

Take your prenatal, drink water to avoid dehydration and look out for gestational diabetes, which you can also develop. That sugar test isn’t pleasant. Take some Tums at nights to keep all that acidic juices at bay. 

Weight gain: Your eyes may deceive you into thinking your clothes still fit till you try them on. Be ready for that reality check! Also your hair may or may not grow and skin discoloration may occur in some areas. 

Urinary tract infections, dribbling especially at nights, tightness of abdominals and shortness of breath, dizzy / fainting spells. 

Panic while “googling” your symptoms, worrying about your baby being ok. Avoid being too empathetic or listening to the horror stories of other moms including these; they do not have to be part of your story. 

Pelvic stretches, round ligaments pains, coupled with kicks in your vagina from the inside from your growing “footballer?”

Heat episodes, decrease in your bowel functions, which can cause difficulty in passing gas, which leads to more pain. 

All in all do not be too quick to panic or worry about what you experience just research or ask your doctor. You’ll be surprised to discover it is actually a symptom and could be normal! 

Don’t worry there are some benefits to being pregnant: 

Benefits: you’ll skip the long lines and get many favors, people will give up their seat for you, offer to help you most of the time. Look forward to and appreciate it all! 

His story:

Guys you have to be her best friend, “midwife”, and husband. You have to deal with the mood swings and rejection of your best cooking. Take up the cleaning when she is too weak to get it done. 

Get peed on during the intense vomiting since you’ll need to hold her up sometimes while she vomits. 

It can be a very lonely walk for a woman to endure hence you need to be there for spiritual and emotional support. 

Take time out to go to the doctor’s appointments and bring her lunch and snacks. Offer massages while being flexible with the sex, which should be very often especially closer to the due date. However be patient and understanding if she’s not in the mood. 

Take her for walks in the afternoons or mornings and laugh at the people who may be driving by and looking at you strangely. Most of all, be there for your wife and child the best you can because it really takes two to have a child. 

Note: The above may not be your experiences but if they are at least you’ll know that they are part of the journey and you won’t freak out like I did. 

Be sure to have your doctor, mother, big sisters or anyone you trust who knows about the journey on speed dial to get advice and to keep your anxiety at bay. 

Get a pregnancy pillow, schedule those pedicure sessions, keep your camera close to record baby’s peep shows, if you’re like me you’ll want those. Have fun with it, read, sing, talk to your baby. Pray for and with your baby, schedule a unique photo shoot, go for a swim in the pool or sea. Laugh at the embarrassing moments. Moisturize you skin from the day you know that you’re pregnant. Style your hair and take care of yourself because you don’t just want to be pregnant you want to look good doing it too! 

Psalms 127:3 Children are a heritage from the Lord,

    offspring a reward (F) from him.

  

Tummy painting Done By Selena Luwaisa

Photography By Z W Creative Media

Outfit Design Netisha Alie-Grant

Outfit sewn by Kams Fashion 
Hair By De-trendz Beauty Salon
Make up Instructed by DecAyer Beauty 

Special Thanks to my sis Jackie for being at the shoot!