Written by Netisha Alie-Grant
(Author Inspirational Book Walking a Two-Way Street)
“Prevention is better than cure.” -A statement commonly used in the medical field to encourage persons to prevent themselves from contracting a disease instead of actually being infected, since it would require a lot more effort to cure the disease. However, for those who have passed the “prevention” stage and are already married, thus need a cure: this is for you.
So you are already married but your spouse is showing you a side of them you really need them to change. And with all your efforts to communicate that, they simply just aren’t having it.
What do you do?
I have three suggestions for you:
Let’s begin with the most common love scripture in the Bible after The Songs of Solomon. (Please check it out if you haven’t)
1 Corinthians 13: verses 4 through 7
“4 Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].”
Are any of these descriptions of love reflected in your marriage? Knowing what love is from our scriptural reference above let’s reflect on the behavior we’d like our spouse to change so badly and ask ourselves the following questions:
- Does that behavior stop me from Loving my spouse?
- How many times have we disregarded what God has asked us to do but He is still there being PATIENT with us?
Understanding that people can’t be forced to change, only God and themselves can do the changing, trying to encourage them to do so would be a good place to start.
[Disclaimer: This is not a post that condones accepting sinful behaviours in marriage.]
Then attempt these three practical responses
- Accept (accept them for who they are or the habit they possess) Acceptance brings you to a place of almost being unbothered and is likely to give you peace about the situation. Simply come to terms with it for what it apparently is. Which is most likely a habit or part of the person’s personality.
- Adapt ( if you can accept it then adapt to it) Instead of fighting this undesirable behaviour from your spouse and getting frustrated over it, decide on how you can work with it or go around it. For example, hubby leaves the toilet seat up. Don’t get angry about that, he needs it up, and you need it down. So instead of stressing over him leaving the toilet seat up, simply put it down to use it or build another one for yourself if you can afford to! Lol! Yes, I said it! Adapt: if you can’t go through it, then go around it!
- Appreciate (see the desirable things they do and magnify them, shifting your focus from frustration to gratitude ) Taking these three steps is not just to make things easier for your spouse but it also helps YOU! When you choose to focus and celebrate the great things in the marriage, you are likely creating a better environment to yield the compromises and changes you want. This is healthy for you, your spouse, and your marriage.
Managing conflict in your marriage doesn’t always have to be a fight, sometimes Love, as Paul stated in 1 Corinthians 13, endures all things with patience.
Lastly, Please be patient with that version of your person in this season. As life takes us through different seasons, it brings out different versions of us. Sometimes your spouse's behaviour could be a reaction to something they are dealing with something that they haven’t gotten brave enough to share with you.
So be that LOVE Paul describes, in 1 Corinthians, you never know, your spouse might just change for the better in the process.
#CestBonSoundsGood
Listen to a song called Love by Travis Greene
Link: https://youtu.be/EzIL7rfHtPg.
Listen to the podcast episode on this piece here: https://anchor.fm/netishaaliegrant/episodes/35-When-your-spouse-wont-change-e1fi7u0
